Another Modest Proposal*

* written in the style of Jonathan Swift’s Juvenalian satire A Modest Proposal; this piece was modeled after the inflammatory responses to Maria Kang’s post on Facebook and the claim of poor mothering placed on her. (This is not representative of what I actually believe; please do not take this literally.)

It is indeed a wretched sight, to see those walking down the street in our towns and cities and seeing mothers toting their children all over creation. There may be a solitary stroller with a drooling little cherub wriggling with excitement, or the gang of hand-holding, squealing toddlers racing about the Toys R Us, pleading and imploring their maternal figure for every toy and piece of candy in their wake. Moms, powerless against such profuse wailing and gnashing of teeth, must give in to their every whim and fancy.

An uncontainable preadolescent meltdown

An uncontainable preadolescent meltdown

You might be asking, why are they so complacent? Why are they so willing to spoil their children? Where is the care and desire to see their children make healthy, responsible choices? As we all know, this behavior is expensive and excessive and may very well establish poor personal skills – or worse, a cavity – in these little treasures.

The answer is very clearly written upon their well-shaped legs, their fit torsos, and their skin-tight running leggings. Yes, indeed, it is their Fitness that is making these women such terrible mothers. That can be the only possibility. Every motherly flaw can be traced back to their general fitness needs.

Evidence of the epidemic!

Evidence of the epidemic!

 Velcro sneakers for the kids instead of laces? Mom is too busy at the gym.

Playing a video for the children during mommy’s nap time? Too tired from the gym.

Mommy can’t sew Halloween costumes? It’s not a machine at the gym!

Their strong legs and well-defined arms are to blame for this lack of good parenting – it only makes good sense that a woman who looks that excellent has less time to commit to her children and their well-being. Their healthy lifestyle, wrought with exercise and organic food, is causing irreparable damage to their young ones.

It's everywhere!

It’s everywhere!

But I have a solution to this nationwide epidemic. Yes, I call it an epidemic because you see it in all parents – the healthy fathers and mothers and grandparents alike. It will reduce spending for all families and turn those howling menaces of every grocery cart into little angels that much quicker. The number of children with supporting parents will increase tenfold by adopting this, my most modest proposal.

It is by my calculations that these mothers will increase their success as mothers by abandoning their former habits and embracing a sedentary life. You will see that my math is both accurate and clinically proven: for every pound of weight gain that a fit mother will have after adopting this new lifestyle, her mothering qualities will bloom and blossom as quickly as her waistline. As an added incentive, my research has found that for every ten pounds, these women will gain a new skill! Baking, cooking, origami – the benefits are unimaginable!

I have determined that a mother that gains a minimum of 15 pounds will benefit both mother and child significantly. It will lend a number of advantages to the children and to the mothers.

A mother rejoicing in her success to become a better mother.

A woman rejoicing in her success of becoming a better mother.

I am assured by marketers and businessmen alike that the model for success is undeniably positive. International statistics found at my request confirm my logic. What’s more, we are completely conforming to our inner human nature – those qualities of our subconscious that make us able to judge what is best for all through speculation and hypothesis, with a small amount of science thrown in to give the argument some real clout. It is not by true definition of character, or qualities that have been created after the existence of man. In fact, one can say that conforming to social influences is in our blood! Yes, in every candy bar and consecutive “rest day”, these mothers are truly redefining human nature by reinforcing that which is already seen.

I profess, with the utmost sincerity, that I am not personally invested in this endeavor; I merely think of the public good for my kin and country.

(Once again, THIS IS A SATIRE. Do not be alarmed; I have not gone off the deep end just yet.)
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